Preparing for the Holidays: Boundaries Edition Part I

It is that time of the year where most folks are spending some concentrated time with their families. For some this may be a joyous time and they have been looking forward to spending time with their loved ones. It could also be a time that is dreaded (which honestly needs to be talked about more) due to the anxiety that is experienced when reintegrating with family. Lastly, it could be a combination of both joy and dread.
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Leading up to the holidays I have been having lots of discussions around boundaries. The importance of them, how to integrate them while home for the holidays and knowing you have the right to set them. The most common question I have received from clients is, “How do I manage the feelings that arise”?

Setting boundaries is important! It can bring on feelings of discomfort and is really hard to do at times. Especially when setting boundaries with folk that are important to us. We don’t want to upset our loved ones (especially during the holidays), hurt their feelings, or feel shame/guilt that can arise when setting boundaries.

Here are 5 things things to consider when setting boundaries:

1.    What’s your Why? – I think it is important for YOU to know why this boundary you are about to set is important. When you connect to your why it makes it easier to feel confident in setting a boundary, because you are connected to the purpose of the boundary.

Example – In our family we do not force our kiddos to say hello, to give hugs, kisses, etc. If you grew up the way I did you know it would be considered disrespectful to not address an elder of the family. If I connect to our why - we subscribe to abuse prevention (this is for another post and @consentparenting on Instagram is a great resource for more information) and feel it is important for our kiddos to learn their comfort level is a priority to us and not the comfort of others. In essence we do not want them to learn that feeling uncomfortable is an OK feeling.

2.    It is OK and your right to do – Setting boundaries is a healthy part of relationships and actually makes them stronger. When our loved ones respect our boundaries, we feel seen, heard and as a result emotionally safer. Who doesn’t want to experience that?

3.    It won’t be easy and still DO IT – Again, just because it is ok to set boundaries does not mean it is easy. Setting boundaries is really hard, because we have been taught to put the needs of others before our own, which brings up a lot of emotions. Insert here shame, guilt, fear, and/or anxiety that we may experience due to the perception that we are going to disappoint or hurt our loved ones. Or even worse be judged and told we are making a big deal. I am here to remind you to push through those feelings. Connect to your why and remind yourself you have a right to set boundaries that are aligned with your values.

4.    Take a Break – If you are feeling overwhelmed it is ok to take a break and gather your thoughts before setting the boundary. I strongly encourage my clients to write down what they want to say to their loved one and practice it. I am not 100 percent suggesting talking in the mirror (that can be helpful)! I am though recommending slowing down to gather your thoughts on a topic that is emotionally laden.

5.    Follow Through – Alright you have connected to your Why? You recognize your right to set boundaries, have acknowledged the uncomfortable feelings, and took time to slow down and gather your thoughts. This is probably the hardest step because it is at this point that many clients have shared the anxiety/fear is at the highest. Everything inside you might be telling you to run away, it is not that big of deal, it is a short trip, etc. Avoidance is a short term solution and only maintains the problem. I am here to say NO … STOP THAT and set the boundary! You got this!

If you found this helpful, please comment below and give me a follow on Instagram @drnicoleasencio.
 

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